Avoidable and Unavoidable Stress

What happens when you combine AVOIDABLE STRESS with UNAVOIDABLE STRESS!

(Holy Family 2025 (A): This homily was given on December 28, 2025 at St. Pius X Church, Westerly, R.I., by Fr Raymond Suriani.  Read Sirach 3:2-7, 12-14; Colossians 3:12-17; Matthew 2:13-23.)

[For the audio version of this homily, click here: Holy Family 2025]

We’ve all got it in our lives and none of us likes it; but it’s there and so we have to deal with it!  I’m talking about STRESS!

It’s become such a problem in our fast-paced American society, that (believe it or not) a non-profit organization has actually been formed called, “The American Institute of Stress”!  Stressed-out people can access it online.

Now we can all take some consolation this morning in the fact that even the members of the Holy Family had to deal with stress in their lives.   Jesus, Mary and Joseph were not immune from the phenomenon, even though both Jesus and Mary were sinless!  And yet, there was one big difference between the stress they dealt with, and the kind we face: almost all of theirs was unavoidable.

You see, there are two kinds of stress that we human beings experience, especially in our families: there’s the kind that we can avoid, and there’s the kind that we cannot avoid—even if we’re very holy, even if we do all the right things.  Since there was only one sinner in the Holy Family—Joseph—most of their stress was of the unavoidable variety.  By contrast, our lives are a mixture of some stress that we could pretty easily avoid (if we simply thought and acted in a certain way), and other stress that we’d have to face even if we were perfect in all our thoughts and actions. 

What makes life unbearable, I think, is when a great deal of our stress—maybe even the majority of it—is of that first kind: the kind that we could avoid.  This is stress that we don’t need to have; this is stress that I would say God doesn’t want us to have.  Unavoidable stress is bad enough; the addition of this other type can be overwhelming—and it can sometimes push us over the edge.  Perhaps you’ve been there—at least once or twice.

So what are some of the unavoidable stresses of life?  Well here are 3 of them—3 that often manifest themselves in our families; and 3 that also were present in the Holy Family, whose feast we celebrate in the Church this weekend.

Number 1, there’s what I would call the stress caused by unforeseen circumstances.  This is the stress we experience when someone close to us gets sick and then dies suddenly; it’s the kind of stress a person has to deal with when they’re laid off from work unexpectedly; it’s the kind of stress parents feel when their son calls to tell them that he just got into his first car accident.

This was also the kind of stress that Joseph and Mary experienced in today’s gospel story when they found out that crazy King Herod was trying to murder their child!  After all, this was not something they had expected!  There was stress in their journey down to Egypt; there was stress during their time of exile—because they were forced to live as refugees in a foreign country; and there was stress in their journey back to Palestine after Herod had died.

Number 2, there’s the stress of living with other people—which is also unavoidable, unless you’re a hermit living all by yourself in the middle of the desert!  Let’s face it, people—even the best of people—don’t always do what we would like them to do; they don’t always say what we would like them to say.  And that quite naturally causes stress—even if there’s no sin involved.  A perfect example of this in the life of the Holy Family was the finding of Jesus in the Temple.  When she and Joseph finally tracked Jesus down after 3 days of frantic searching, Mary said to our Lord, “Son, why have you done this to us?  You see that your father and I have been searching for you in sorrow.”

Those are the words of a very holy woman under a tremendous amount of stress.  But notice, there was no sin involved; it was simply a case of stress caused by the ordinary circumstances of living in a family.

There’s also the stress that comes into our lives when we do the will of God.  This, too, is unavoidable—if we’re serious about living the way God wants us to live.  We see this in the lives of Jesus, Mary and Joseph in the situations in Scripture that I just mentioned.  We see the ultimate stress of this kind in what our Lord and his Mother had to deal with in the events of Holy Thursday and Good Friday!

These are just a few of the many stresses of life that cannot be avoided.  We can’t escape them; they’re part of the fabric of daily living.

But others, thanks be to God, can be avoided and should be avoided!  A few of these also need to be mentioned today, because we’ve probably all experienced them at some point in our families.

The first avoidable stress is the kind that comes when God’s order in the family is violated.  When children reject their parents authority, for example, there is stress—lots of stress.  Guaranteed!  That type of stress, incidentally, was absent in the Holy Family, because, as we’re told in Luke 2, Jesus always obeyed his parents.

So young people, if you want your parents to be less stressed and in a better mood more often, obey them!  Honor God’s order in the family, as Sirach tells you to do in today’s first reading!  Do what mom and dad tell you to do when they tell you to do it!  And that message even applies to teenagers!  In fact, let me tell you teens a secret: When your parents know that you’re obedient and honest and trustworthy, they end up giving you more freedom!  And that’s what you want, isn’t it?  However, when all they get from you is disobedience, they clamp down—hard!  And then everybody in the house gets stressed!

Here’s another avoidable stress in family life: the stress that comes from not being responsible.  When young people, for example, don’t pick up their toys, and clean their rooms, and do their chores, and finish their schoolwork when they’re supposed to—it adds to everyone’s anxiety level in the home.  I remember having a conversation with a stressed out mother a number of years ago, and she said to me, “Fr. Ray, I just can’t deal with it all!  It’s overwhelming me.  I have to do everything: I have to get the kids up in the morning, and make their lunches, and go to work for 8 to 10 hours a day, and then clean the house, and do the shopping . . . (and on and on she went with her list—it was quite long).” 

Finally I said to her, “Wait a minute here.  You have two children—but they’re both teenagers!  You mean to tell me they can’t make their own lunches?  You mean to tell me that you have to get them up in the morning?  Whatever happened to their alarm clocks?  They need to take responsibility where they’re capable of taking responsibility!  That alone would take a lot of stress out of your life immediately!”

She agreed—and so did one of her children, who happened to be standing there at the time, noticeably concerned about his mother.

And finally, there’s this avoidable stress: the type that comes with unrepented sin!  When family members speak unkind words to one another, and don’t say they’re sorry; when they lie and violate one another’s trust; when they refuse to forgive—all of that creates what I would call “an atmosphere of stress”.  And we all know the truth of this, because we’ve all been there!  That’s why today’s second reading from Colossians 3 is so appropriate for the feast of the Holy Family, where the focus is on family life: “Put on,’ St. Paul says, ‘compassion, kindness . . . patience—bearing with one another and forgiving one another.”

This, of course, is the ideal.  The reality is always something less, which is precisely why repentance is so necessary!  Did I say that Confession is good for family life?  Did I say that Confession is a good remedy for stress in a family?  Well, I’m saying it now!  Imagine a family where each member honestly faces his or her faults, admits them, confesses them, is forgiven for them, and then makes a sincere effort to change his or her behavior for the better.

That family, I can assure you, will avoid a great deal of avoidable stress.  Common sense should tell you that.

Let me end today by paraphrasing a prayer that used to be the closing prayer of the Mass of the Holy Family.  The prayer reads as follows: “Eternal Father, we want to live as Jesus, Mary and Joseph, in peace with you and one another.  May this communion strengthen us to face the troubles of life.”

When you think about it, my brothers and sisters, that’s really an “anti-stress prayer”!  To live like Jesus, Mary and Joseph means to avoid the avoidable stresses of life—like they did.  And facing the troubles of life involves coping with the stresses that we cannot avoid.

So now I’ll paraphrase the prayer and make it the closing prayer of my homily.  I’ll say it for all of us, and for our families: “Eternal Father, we want to live as Jesus, Mary and Joseph, who avoided most of the avoidable stresses of this life, and thus lived in peace with you and with one other.  Help us to follow their example.  And may the Eucharist we receive at this Mass strengthen us so that we can face all the troubles of life—especially those difficult and stressful situations that we cannot escape, no matter how hard we try.  This we ask through Christ our Lord.  Amen.”  

 

St. Joseph: Adversity Revealed His True Character

(Fourth Sunday of Advent (A): This homily was given on December 21, 2025 at St. Pius X Church, Westerly, R.I., by Fr. Raymond Suriani.  Read Isaiah 7:10-14; Psalm 24:1-6; Romans 1:1-7; Matthew 1:18-24.)

[For the audio version of this homily, click here: Fourth Sunday of Advent 2025]

It’s been said that “Adversity reveals character.”

Adversity reveals character.

I think there’s a lot of truth in that statement.  When you’re in the midst of a trial—when you’re put into a very stressful situation where your patience and love are put to the test—your true character will often show through. 

The kind of person you really are will be revealed.

And that’s the way it was with St. Joseph.

Perhaps it’s hard for us to fully appreciate the difficulty this good man faced when he learned that Mary was pregnant.  After all, we know how everything worked out.  We know that this story would eventually have a happy ending.

But Joseph didn’t know that!  In fact, from his perspective, this story could have easily had a disastrous ending, especially for Mary—and for Mary’s Child!

The text says explicitly that Mary was “betrothed” to Joseph when she became pregnant.  Now please understand, this did not mean that she and Joseph were engaged to each other in the modern sense of that term.  In ancient Israel, betrothal was actually the first stage of marriage.  It took place roughly a year before the couple consummated their relationship and lived together as husband and wife. 

But, according to Mosaic Law, during this 12-month interim period the couple was still legally married.  Hence, a betrothed woman who had relations with another man was guilty of the sin of adultery.  And the penalty for adultery was clearly stated in the Book of Deuteronomy, chapter 22.  There we read the following: “If within the city a man comes upon a maiden who is betrothed, and has relations with her, you shall bring them both out to the gate of the city and there stone them to death: the girl because she did not cry out for help though she was in the city, and the man because he violated his neighbor’s wife.  Thus you shall purge the evil from your midst.”

Obviously when he first learned that Mary was pregnant, Joseph did not know she had gotten that way through a supernatural event!  He couldn’t possibly have known that!  He presumed it had taken place by natural means.  He probably said to himself, “This is shocking.  I’ve always known Mary to be holy and righteous, but I guess even holy and righteous people can be tempted and fall into sin.”

The bottom line is that he initially thought his otherwise saintly wife had been unfaithful to him.

It was then—in the midst of this disappointment and stress and (probably) anger—that Joseph demonstrated the type of person he really was.  This terrible adversity—this apparent tragedy—helped to reveal his true character.

First of all, he showed that he was a man of deep moral conviction AND at the same time a man of deep human compassion.  He couldn’t ignore his wife’s apparent unfaithfulness; to him this was a sin that needed to be confronted, not “swept under the rug.”  In that, he demonstrated his moral conviction.  And yet, he still had a loving compassion for Mary.  Even when he suspected that she had been unfaithful, he wasn’t willing to “throw the book at her” (so to speak), by making the sin public.  If he had done that, our Blessed Mother (as I indicated a few minutes ago) would have been stoned to death. 

His compassion and conviction led him to make the decision to divorce Mary quietly.  Divorce was allowed under Mosaic Law at the time, and it was necessary here because they were already in the first stage of marriage.

We live in a world right now where many people think it’s either conviction OR compassion: either you have to be a cold-hearted legalist when it comes to the commandments of God and have no compassion for others, or you have to be a wishy-washy “nice guy” who has no solid moral convictions about important issues of the day.  (Many of our Catholic politicians have fallen into that latter category in recent years, have they not?)

Joseph shows us that this is a false dichotomy.  It’s a lie!  It’s not either/or, it’s both/and.  As Catholics we are not to be either people of conviction OR people of compassion, we are to be people of both conviction AND compassion—like Joseph was! People who are truly pro-life, for example, are strong in their conviction that abortion is the taking of an innocent human life, but they also have great compassion for women in difficult pregnancies—and also for women who have had abortions.

Secondly, in the midst of this apparent crisis, Joseph demonstrated that he was very open-minded.  Now the interesting thing is, in today’s world he would be called the exact opposite.  In modern western culture, Joseph would definitely be labeled “narrow-minded.”

Why?

Because he was open-minded only when it came to the truth!  He was not “open-minded” when it came to error and sin!  When the angel revealed to him the truth about Mary and her pregnancy—that she had conceived this child through the power of the Holy Spirit, and that the child was the divine Son of God who would save the world from sin—Joseph immediately accepted it.  He was open-minded to the truth of God’s word as spoken to him through this heavenly messenger. 

In today’s world, of course, “open-minded” is normally used to describe those who accept and promote gross moral evils—especially in the area of sexuality.  Those who embrace Biblical moral principles and accept the truth of God’s word as proclaimed by his Church are considered to be hopelessly narrow-minded.

Well, if that’s your perspective, if that’s where you stand—and I pray it is—then take heart: St. Joseph would be right there with you.

No doubt about it.

These are just two aspects of Joseph’s character that shine through brilliantly in this well-known scene from the Gospel of Matthew.  There are, of course, many others I could have mentioned.  In this story, for example, we also see that Joseph was a man of great courage, who was ready to do the right thing regardless of what other people might say.  We see that he was a man who walked by faith, not by his feelings.  We see that he was someone who believed that God could do great things—even “impossible” things.

And, amazingly, we see all these truths, we know all these things about St. Joseph and his character, without ever hearing him speak a single word.

Did you realize that? 

In the entire New Testament, not one single word of St. Joseph is recorded!

It must have been in reference to him that the old saying was first coined: “Actions speak louder than words.”

Joseph’s actions—especially in times of adversity—clearly revealed his character, and showed him to be a holy, faithful, obedient servant of God.

St. Joseph, pray for us, that we will be the same—especially in our moments of adversity.

 

Being Immaculate: An Experience for Mary, an Expectation for Us

 

(Immaculate Conception 2025: This homily was given on December 8, 2025 at St. Pius X Church, Westerly, R.I., by Fr. Raymond Suriani.  Read Luke 1: 26-38.)

[For the audio version of this homily, click here: Immaculate Conception 2025]

 

If you look up the word “immaculate” in the dictionary, you’ll find definitions like these:

1.    Having no stain or blemish.

2.    Pure.

3.    Undefiled.

4.    Having or containing no flaw or error.

5.    Spotlessly clean.

6.    Correct or perfect in every way.

For our Blessed Mother Mary, being immaculate was an experience; for you and for me, being immaculate is an expectation.

And that’s the difference between Mary and us in a nutshell.

Her “immaculateness” began to be experienced at the moment she was conceived in the womb of her mother, St. Ann—which is the event we commemorate on this feast of the Immaculate Conception.  Remember, the Immaculate Conception does NOT refer to the virginal conception of Jesus in the womb of Mary—which is what many people mistakenly believe.  The event that led to Jesus’ virginal conception is called “the Annunciation.”

The Immaculate Conception prepared Mary for the Annunciation and for everything that came afterward, but the Immaculate Conception itself refers to Mary’s conception in the womb of her mother.  Here’s how Pope Pius IX defined the dogma: “the Blessed Virgin Mary, from the first moment of her conception, by a singular grace and privilege of almighty God, and in view of the merits of Jesus Christ, Savior of the human race, was preserved free from every stain of original sin.”

But Mary’s immaculateness didn’t stop there.  It continued throughout her life and into eternity!  She said yes to God at every moment of her life and consequently never sinned.  She was, as the angel Gabriel said, “Full of grace.”  And so, all those definitions of “immaculate” that I listed a few minutes ago apply to her entire life, spiritually speaking: she had no stain or blemish (on her soul); she was pure, and undefiled, and without flaw, and spotless—and morally perfect!

Now this is something we can understand intellectually—that Mary was born without original sin and was free from sin throughout her entire life.  But that’s as far as we can go, because we don’t have an experience of “immaculateness” in our earthly lives that’s comparable to Mary’s. 

The closest we come to it is at the moment of our baptism, when original sin is taken away and we receive the gift of sanctifying grace into our soul.  But even then—even after we’re baptized—we still have to deal with concupiscence, which remains in us even after original sin is taken away.  Mary never had to deal with concupiscence because she never contracted original sin in the first place.

Concupiscence is the inclination to sin—the inclination to sin that we all experience every day.  It’s what St. John was alluding to when he wrote about “the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life.”  It’s what St. Paul was getting at when he spoke of “the flesh” rebelling against “the spirit”.

Concupiscence is what gets us into trouble.  Concupiscence is what makes it so easy for us to lie, and cheat. and steal, and swear and hold grudges—and make excuses for our sins.

This is why I said at the beginning of my homily that for our Blessed Mother Mary being immaculate was an experience (it was a spiritual condition she lived in), but for us it’s something different.  For us, being immaculate is an expectation (that is to say, it’s something we look forward to in faith!).

We won’t be immaculate in the sense that Mary was immaculate until we get to heaven and are finally purified of every sin and of every sinful desire.  In a sense, that’s the bad news.  But the good news is we can grow closer to that goal right now in this life, if we make our relationship with Jesus our top priority and repent of our sins often (yet another reason to go to confession on a regular basis).

The “collect”—the opening prayer—of today’s Mass said it perfectly.  It made reference both to Mary’s experience of being immaculate and our expectation of being made so.  We heard these words a few moments ago:

O God, who by the Immaculate Conception of the Blessed Virgin prepared a worthy dwelling for your Son, grant [that] … through her intercession, we, too, may be cleansed and admitted to your presence.

So today let our simple prayer be, “Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us, that our expectation of becoming immaculate like you will someday be fulfilled.  Amen.”

 

John the Baptist: Back Again This Advent with His Message of Repentance

 

(Second Sunday of Advent (A): This homily was given on December 7, 2025 at St. Pius X Church, Westerly, R.I., by Fr. Raymond Suriani.  Read Matthew 3:1-12.)

[For the audio version of this homily, click here: Second Sunday of Advent 2025]

 

He’s back!

On the Second Sunday of Advent each year, he’s back.

Now in case you’re wondering, I’m not talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger in “The Terminator.”  I’m talking about John the Baptizer.  In the 3-year liturgical cycle of readings, John is always the central character in the Gospel text that’s read on the Second Sunday of Advent.

Which is a bit surprising, because during this season of the year we’re preparing to celebrate the birthday of Jesus.  Recall that John and Jesus were almost the same age; according to the Bible, John was born roughly six months before our Lord (that’s why the Church celebrates the feast of the Birth of John the Baptist on June 24).

So obviously John did not come to prepare people for Jesus’ physical birth.  He would have had a difficult time doing that from the cradle.  But John did come on the scene 30 years later to prepare people for their own spiritual rebirth—a rebirth that would soon be available to them through Jesus. 

Because of John’s work—because of his preaching and teaching—many people were prepared to “receive” Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord.  And that’s why it’s so appropriate that he makes an appearance in our Scripture readings each year.  Every time we come to Mass, we Catholics have the opportunity to receive that same Jesus, Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity, in the Holy Eucharist.  But, as John would certainly remind us, we need to be properly prepared—properly disposed—for that encounter.

Notice that in today’s Gospel story, two groups of people are denounced—“chewed out” if you will—by John: the Pharisees and the Sadducees.

Why?

It’s because these men were not prepared to receive Jesus!  They weren’t ready to receive him because they weren’t repentant—and John knew it!  That’s why he shouted at them, “You brood of vipers!  Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath?  Produce good fruit as evidence of your repentance.”

John knew they weren’t sincere; he knew that they were just “going through the motions” by coming to receive his baptism; he knew that they really didn’t think they were sinners in need of God’s mercy and pardon. 

As Catholic Christians we need to be careful—lest we simply “go through the motions” when we come to receive Jesus in Holy Communion at Mass.  And how do we avoid that pitfall?  Simple: through sincere repentance.  Before we approach the altar for the Body and Blood of the Lord we need to repent—sincerely and properly—of any serious sins we’ve committed.

We do that, of course, in the confessional—or as it’s often called nowadays, the “reconciliation room.”

But even if we don’t have mortal sins on our soul, frequent confession—frequent repentance—is necessary if we’re really serious about growing closer to Jesus in our lives.  If we’re satisfied with spiritual mediocrity then it doesn’t matter; but if we want to be the best people, the best disciples of Christ that we can possibly be, then Confession is crucial.

So I suppose you could say that ultimately John the Baptist comes to us every Advent to remind us to get to Confession!

Now I’m sure we have some men and women here with us today who have been avoiding Confession—or who have not made a good, thorough Confession—for a long time.  Since that’s probably the case, let me now address some of the more common excuses people will use for staying away from this most important sacrament.  Perhaps some of these will sound familiar.

Objection #1: “Father, if I go to Confession the roof will fall in on the church.”

I have done extensive research on this subject, and I have not found one instance in 2,000 years of Christian history, of a roof ever caving in on a church because somebody went to Confession!  And besides, we just had a new roof put on the church, so we’ll be okay.  No need to worry.

Objection #2: “I don’t need to go, because I confess my sins directly to God every day.”

Very good.  So do I.  There’s only one problem with that: your sins don’t just involve you and God.  Your sins involve you, God AND OTHER PEOPLE!  So you need reconciliation with the Lord and with your brothers and sisters in Christ.  That’s what happens in Confession.  The priest not only acts in the person of Christ; he also represents the community that you’ve offended by your sins.  So when you’re reconciled in the sacrament, you’re reconciled vertically and horizontally: with the Lord, AND with others.

Objection #3: “Father Ray will yell at me.” 

Do not confuse Fr. Ray at the pulpit with Fr. Ray in the reconciliation room.  There is a difference, believe it or not. In my priesthood I have always tried to follow the advice of St. Alphonsus Liguori, who once said that a priest should be a “lion in the pulpit, but a lamb in the confessional.”

Trust me; I’m not so bad.  Here it’s “roar, roar”; there it’s “bah, bah.”

Objection #4: “Fr. Ray will remember my sins and not like me anymore.” 

Since I don’t remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday morning, it’s highly unlikely that I will remember your sins.  I’ve literally heard a million of ‘em!  Of course, if that’s a big concern you can always go anonymously behind the screen, or you can go to a priest you don’t know. 

Objection #5: “I don’t have any sins.” 

Another form of this objection is: “I don’t know what my sins are.”

This little difficulty can be easily overcome in one of two ways: either you can make a formal, academic examination of conscience, or you can make what I would call a “living examination of conscience.”

The academic version involves sitting down and honestly answering some questions about your life.  You can get those questions in lots of places online, one of which is the Catholic bishops of the United States’ website.  Or I can give you an examination of conscience myself.  I have some in my reconciliation room.

If that doesn’t appeal to you, then there is this alternative: find someone who knows you well, and ask them to tell you your sins!  They will help you to make a “living” examination of conscience.  If you’re married, for example, I’m sure your spouse would be happy to give you a rather lengthy list of what you do wrong.  And think of how happy you’ll make your husband or wife in the process!  They’ll really enjoy assisting you in this way, I can almost guarantee it! 

And finally, objection #6: “I’ve committed too many serious sins for God to forgive me.” 

If you honestly believe that you’re “too far gone” in terms of the sins you’ve committed in your life, my suggestion is that you get a copy of Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ” and watch it within the next few days. 

I’m serious about that. 

Jesus Christ went through that living hell so that every sin from the beginning to the end of time could be washed away.  If for some reason you think your particular sins are beyond his forgiving touch, then in effect you’re telling him that he wasted his time when he went through all that on Holy Thursday and Good Friday.  I don’t think that any of us would want to say that to Jesus.

John the Baptist is back.  He’s back once again with his message of repentance, to prepare the people of God to receive Jesus spiritually at Christmas, and eucharistically at every Mass.

May we all heed his message—and may we do so not only during this season of Advent, but throughout the year.